I am James Stewart

So I’ve decided to try and make something of my free time lately, kinda dedicate myself in trying to make an effort. It can feel almost impossible to do stuff sometimes when it comes to my depression, the voice in the back of my head telling me how terrible I am at things. I’m going to ignore it and try and get out there. Right now I made the effort to play Magic and already I am regretting it as someone I had a massive fight with years ago is playing, we made it mutual that we never want to speak to each other so this might be the most awkward game of Magic the Gathering I have ever played if we get matched tonight. Still, if we do play each other, win or lose, I’ll shake his hand, give him the credit and leave, but deep down, I really don’t want to play against him. On the bright side, a guy from high school showed up so that could be fun.

Also decided I’m going to try and pick up on my Ukulele/Guitar, try and get somewhat good with music. Going to pay off my library loans and really book up on musical theory and the like and try and have a serious stab at making music, I might record and upload to tumblr every now and again if I’m feeling confident.

Still not entirely sure I feel up to tonight but I guess it’s better than sitting in the flat wondering what to do with my time.

Still feeling rough, depression can really take it out on you. Starting to not want to talk to friends due to my fear of taking my feelings out on them. Last thing I want is to use them as m emotional punching bag so I’m just telling them I’m feeling fine.

It’s always a case of just riding this out, usually my bouts last around a week, rarely two weeks but my god is feels like hell one earth when m going through this, although things should settle down in the next few days hopefully. But still. I just want to vanish from sight over these next few days.

So I had to cancel today’s rpg session. I always hate it when I have to cancel games. It sonds silly but tabletop role laying helps a great deal with my depression. It forces me to get off my ass and do something. Most of the time I never want to run a session but at the end of the game, when my players turn to me and tell me they enjoyed the time they had, it’s worth it.

Most of the time I lack faith in my own stories, I’m not the biggest fan of using pre-made adventures, which seems to be the way to go with dungeons and dragons. I think that’s one reason. Value the World of Darkness universe over the dungeon crawling style games. Gives you a lot more freedom to inject your own creativity into the setting.

For example we’ve been playing Geist: the Sin Eaters for the past month. It’s pretty much like the Sixth Sense in rpg form, players see ghosts and have to deal with a lot of their emotional baggage. During my game I have burrowed (without shame I might add) from tv show like Being Human and been using the local folklore of liverpool to tell some stories. (Liverpool has a whole tone of crazy occult folklore in real life lol)

But still, my last week has been hell, and truthfully. Just haven’t felt up to writing this weeks session, really, it’s a case of life getting in the way of a hobby, and my players understand but I still hate dropping a game as I feel an obligation to my players, and I feel like I’m letting them down. Hopefully I can get round to writing a major part of the story I have in mind this week so I will make it up to them.

In other news, the new liverpool library is a fantastic building, and I hate iPads.